the current status of my “broken” heart
November 7th, 2009 | Written by hurricanic
I will warn all of you. This might be an unnecessarily long post. I’m feeling a bit introspective, so please know most of this will be for my benefit.
In this last week of entering back into the realm of singleness again, I’ve come to a deep awareness of something:
I don’t miss Aaron.
At all.
It’s really, really bizarre.
I’ve given myself enough time this week to be alone in order to check the authenticity of that statement, but I assure you it’s true. 100%. I haven’t cried. I haven’t gone days without showering, eating only Ben & Jerry’s and watching chick flicks so I can pour emotional lemon juice directly on what I suppose is supposed to be a broken heart. No…I instead feel…well…free.
I sat on the swing in my backyard this week during the incredible weather we’ve been blessed with and came to several pretty amazing discoveries personally. Some of them are far too personal to share, but some I have found to be life-altering. Allow me to explain.
I have spent the better part of my adult life watching relationship unfold around me, as until recently I haven’t been an active participant in the crazy world of dating. I was kissed for the second time in my life at the ripe old age of 30, for crying out loud. It’s fair to say I’ve been sitting on the sidelines waiting for my turn at love. My parents would tell you I’m afraid of falling in love. That might be fair. My sisters might tell you my expectations are too high. Again…might be accurate. And so, in much of my dating this year alone, I’ve been cautious about myself. I don’t, after all, want to be so blind to my own issues that I miss how I am the common denominator here, unknowingly keeping myself from the thing I want most in life. I’ve been super open with people I love and respect, asking them about Brian…and Bill…and Ryan…and Aaron. I’ve taken to heart the advice they’ve offered. I’ve earnestly tried to learn about my own weaknesses and fight against my own tendencies. And yet, in the end, I have learned a really, really valuable lesson: to trust my instincts.
I know when something’s right. And I know when something’s not. So far? In 2009? I have learned in each of the relationships I’ve been in (and when I say relationship, I will say that I dated each of these men at least six weeks) that my heart KNEW when and/or why it wasn’t going to work. I stuck some things out in an effort to not self-sabotage love. In the end? Though I’m sure my parents are right and I don’t want to get hurt, and that my sisters know me well and because of that understand my brain makes its home in the clouds, I know that I know that I know I will know the right thing when it finds me. I won’t have to talk myself into it. And I won’t have to ask a dozen people what they think, desperate for someone to validate that what I was feeling deep down about it not being right was, well…right.
I’ve learned that through all of this I might indeed live a life of singleness. And that’s okay. I love my life. I have the most amazing family, incredible friends, a job I love, a church I completely dig, a dog that thinks I’m fantastic, and the chance to see the world fairly regularly. Life is full…and rich…and purposeful…and rewarding. I want all of that in love. And I will not settle for less than that.
I will be 35 in the spring. I’m indeed feeling the pressure of the biological clock. I think I want kids, but I might not even have the choice. I don’t like feeling like I’m not going to have that choice to make…that time instead might make it for me. It makes me feel a bit powerless, and that is of course frustrating. But the thought of being in a sub-par relationship that I forced myself into just so that I could be a mom? No. Thank. You.
The fact that I don’t miss Aaron? It’s telling. I mean, he was a great guy. He loved Jesus, made me laugh, thought I was beautiful, got my parents’ stamp of approval…but in the end, without rattling off a laundry list of particulars, he wasn’t who I’ve waited for all these years. And though he’s wonderful in many senses of the word, he wasn’t enough. The fact that I can say that at 34? Some might call it stupidity. I’m hopeful instead it’s brave and bold and full of self-respect.
I’m also hopeful one day I might meet a man that makes all of this come full circle and the whys and whats and hows of this super frustrating road will have some clarity, for crying out loud. For now? I’m swinging in my backyard, dreaming of where I can travel next, shopping for new living room furniture so I can continue to nest and make my home a place I love to dwell solo, spending time with people who make my life rich and full and amazing, and pursuing after depth of life as much as I can as a single girl.
BRAVO and blessings, my friend! Praying the Lord continues to pour out in abundance into your world as you patiently wait on His plan and pefect one.